im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
