Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
