me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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