on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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