I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
