Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You pole danced in your parka.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The power of my boobs compel you
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize