Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
