I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
