I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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