I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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