what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
