i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
