just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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