Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
