It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
