She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
