just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
