the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
