it was like his penis was on wheels.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
