i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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