u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
