Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
