bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
