i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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