I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
