shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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