he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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