oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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