there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
