I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
