Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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