she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
