I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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