Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
