I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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