maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
