I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
