If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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