Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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