I am in a vortex of obligation.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
