I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
