So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
