i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You ate ashes out of my bong
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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