i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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