Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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