Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
