The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
