watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
