Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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