I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
