The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
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remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
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Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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