my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
