just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
