I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
