it hurts more in the daytime
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
