Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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