I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
