you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
