what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
