It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
